Maternal Mental Health

To mark Maternal Mental Health Awareness week I'd like to share my own story.

I suffered Birth Trauma when my son was born. The Birth in itself was long and unpleasant, ending in a C-section and far from what I ever imagined.

I went into the Birth with a very open mind but never expected it to be quite so different.

At 38 weeks I had my normal midwife appointment. Everything was ok except my bump was measuring smaller than it should have been. The midwife decided I should go for a growth scan to make sure all was ok. The scan showed that the baby was measuring just over 6lbs and at that stage he should have been more than that. 

We had an appointment with the consultant who then explained that I would need to be induced over the next few days due to him measuring small and that it would need to be a balloon induction due to his size.

We booked in for Sunday (it was Thursday when we had the scan) she said we would need to call the hospital on Sunday morning to make sure there was space for me to go in. I left the hospital that day with my mind swimming and so many questions unanswered. But with it being my first baby I trusted the professionals. But looking back I wish I questioned everything more than I did, because I feel like maybe things could have been different. That’s something i will never know…

We called on Sunday morning but it didn’t look hopeful that I'd be going in that day as the labour ward was very busy. We had to call back later. When we did they said it would likely not be today but we should go in just to be checked over anyway. All was ok and we were sent home and told to call again in the morning. More waiting… 

This in turn was already the start of the process of the unknown. We finally went in on Monday but this was again followed by ALOT more waiting. Finally I had the induction. Nothing much happened at all. We then had to wait again after 24 hours to go up to the labour ward to continue the process. With my waters being broken and with what seemed like days on the hormone drip I wasn't progressing enough. 

After a long 4 days of being in hospital my son was born via c-section. But when he arrived he was in shock and wasn't breathing. He was whisked away and taken care of by a team of consultants who helped him fight for survival. We were then given a quick glimpse of him before he was taken to NICU for close monitoring, where he ended up for 3 days.

I had so many questions.

Is he OK?

What are they doing to him?

When can I see him?

Will he survive?

Why did this happen?

How long will he be in NICU?

There's an endless list of questions and I still feel some are unanswered....

The main thing is he went from strength to strength and fort like the little warrior he is. He's grown into a super strong, resilient, and somewhat fearless little toddler, but with a very soft and caring side too. 

His start in life will forever be embedded into my brain and the feeling of missing out on so many of his first little moments in the world. I wasn’t able to have skin to skin with him straight away and have the first cuddle. His first feed wasn’t from me. I didn’t change those first meconium poos everyone talks about. Those little moments were taken away very quickly.

And that's ok. That's our story and our journey into parenthood. Albeit not so smooth. But then is any Birth Story ever smooth!

I felt lost when in recovery. Everyone with their babies but where was mine. Did this even happen? Or was it a dream?

I spent the first 2 nights alone while my son was recovering upstairs in NICU. This was very strange but I knew he was being well cared for and hour after hour he was becoming stronger. 

We were finally together on night 3 but we had to stay in 3 more nights because he had an infection and was on antibiotics for 5 days. As was I. 

The care we received while in hospital was second to none and the support I received breastfeeding was incredibly helpful. My son was being tube fed but they helped me to get him used to feeding from me instead.

Although this experience was far from what I expected I am forever grateful for everything the hospital did to care for me and my son. 

I just wish I had pushed myself to ask all those questions I had at the beginning. 

It really is ok not to be ok as a Mum and ask for help when you need it. No one is judging you, you’re just judging yourself. 

We’re all doing the best we can.

Nikki x